Saturday, October 15, 2005
Downward Spiral:
When I look back at periods where I don't write in this blog, I find it happens when darkness moves into my life. In these past two or three weeks, I felt the worst that I have in long time. From 2000 to present, I think the worst I felt was a period in 2000, followed by February-May of 2004, and Jan-March of 2005. In late 2003-early 2004 I had gone on one of the best monetary streaks I've ever had. At the end of winter 2004, I found out that I had truely been on a ridiculous run in poker, and I lost much of my winnings when I hit a bad streak. My luck had started to run normal, and then bad, but more devastating was that my play had turned bad. I was having an impossible time coping with this downturn and I ended up losing more than I had thought possible.
As summer approached, I began to turn things around. Potawatomi Casino in Milwaukee had just opened a poker room in April or May of 2004. I had heard that the games were great, but I didn't believe it was worth my time driving up there. One day, I decided to drive up there, and I couldn't believe the $20-40 game that I found there. The game at that time featured loose passive players that I had never encountered at that type of stakes. The first day, I say 7+ players entering pots, and many pots weren't raised. It was a poker players dream. I milked the games there for a good amount for the whole summer. In September I took a trip to Hawaii, but I also took a lot of time off. I tended to do this right before I went on trips I had planned. I think I do this because by the time a planned vacation comes, I usually have played 50+ hour weeks for several months and I find myself burned out.
When I came back from Hawaii, I started to see signs that the games were drying up. The $20-40 game was breaking more frequently and the pot limit game was becoming more popular. I started playing at the Harrah's again, but I kept being bothered by how much harder the games there were in comparison with Potawatomi. Instead of being tough and adjusting, I made the poor choice of playing World of Warcraft. What I had planned on being a temporary break turned into a full-blown addiction.
I basically played WoW nonstop from when it came out in late November until March. I had shown signs of video game addiction in the past. One time I played Ultima Online for like two or three weeks straight, but this four month period blew up that previous personal record. I began to live in the game and I let my real life slip. After the Potowatomi games, I believed that I should have had any future money problems if I kept playing, but my WoW addiction made me burn through most of my savings. When I finally emerged in March, I had gained probably 20 lbs and I was in a tough money situation. I believe I'm still suffering from this now as I have extra stress that wouldn't be here if I had played poker without breaks.
April is when I started playing again. April was a great month. I had run really well and I thought I was on the verge of making a good, or at least decent run. June turned out to be horrible and I believe I ended up a net loser for the month. That was really discouraging so I decided to try to focus my efforts on online play. I thought online play would be better as I could avoid the daily commute, and Steve, a poker friend I knew at Harrah's, had recommended it as a way to build a bankroll safely.
From July to August, I grined my way up through 3-4 tables of $2-4 & $3-6 limit Hold 'em. I had built a good roll and I had gone on a like a seven session winning streak. I had told Beata about my progress and she was unimpressed and wouldn't even look at my results. At the same time, I had computed my hourly rate and felt that I could do better. Sidesgames and other friends had told me not to move up, but I wanted to prove things to Beata and myself so I foolishly moved up to 2-3 games of $20-40.
In my initial tries, I had gotten really stressed out by the fact that I was going + or - $2000 in my sessions. I was worried that my win rate wouldn't be high enough, especially since I coudln't play as well under this much stress, but I wanted to perservere. I hovered around the same money total for several sessions, and then one day I won a good amount that put my money at it's highpoint for the year. I still feared that I was only a bad session way from destroying myself psychologically but I didn't listen to myself or others.
Around middle September, I hit a decent run that ruined me. I still had enough money to play the lower stakes I had rebuilt on by a far more devestating thing happened that I had not anticipated. I knew moving up limits with this low of a bankroll was foolish and I found that I destroyed my confidence. I didn't play for weeks and I couldn't get over my foolishness. Sidegames, who knows these feelings well from his experiences at trading, tried to get me to play again, but at low limits, but I wouldn't listen. Finally, I tried playing again at $5-10 and I hit a bad streak and lost two days in a row. Now, I was really a mess and I haven't played since. I'm sure I can win, but I'm afraid that if I lose a few hands ,I'm going to go on tilt and just give away my money.
Initially, I tried to ease the pain by eating, but I now know that was the wrong this to do as it just made me feel worse. During that time, I also tried to escape by watching DVD's nonstop. In fact, I've gotten through 4 season of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. What I haven't mentioned until now is that Beata finally decided to end things at this time too. In fact, this past week she said she's been dating a Polish guy she met and she thinks they are getting along pretty well.
When I look back at periods where I don't write in this blog, I find it happens when darkness moves into my life. In these past two or three weeks, I felt the worst that I have in long time. From 2000 to present, I think the worst I felt was a period in 2000, followed by February-May of 2004, and Jan-March of 2005. In late 2003-early 2004 I had gone on one of the best monetary streaks I've ever had. At the end of winter 2004, I found out that I had truely been on a ridiculous run in poker, and I lost much of my winnings when I hit a bad streak. My luck had started to run normal, and then bad, but more devastating was that my play had turned bad. I was having an impossible time coping with this downturn and I ended up losing more than I had thought possible.
As summer approached, I began to turn things around. Potawatomi Casino in Milwaukee had just opened a poker room in April or May of 2004. I had heard that the games were great, but I didn't believe it was worth my time driving up there. One day, I decided to drive up there, and I couldn't believe the $20-40 game that I found there. The game at that time featured loose passive players that I had never encountered at that type of stakes. The first day, I say 7+ players entering pots, and many pots weren't raised. It was a poker players dream. I milked the games there for a good amount for the whole summer. In September I took a trip to Hawaii, but I also took a lot of time off. I tended to do this right before I went on trips I had planned. I think I do this because by the time a planned vacation comes, I usually have played 50+ hour weeks for several months and I find myself burned out.
When I came back from Hawaii, I started to see signs that the games were drying up. The $20-40 game was breaking more frequently and the pot limit game was becoming more popular. I started playing at the Harrah's again, but I kept being bothered by how much harder the games there were in comparison with Potawatomi. Instead of being tough and adjusting, I made the poor choice of playing World of Warcraft. What I had planned on being a temporary break turned into a full-blown addiction.
I basically played WoW nonstop from when it came out in late November until March. I had shown signs of video game addiction in the past. One time I played Ultima Online for like two or three weeks straight, but this four month period blew up that previous personal record. I began to live in the game and I let my real life slip. After the Potowatomi games, I believed that I should have had any future money problems if I kept playing, but my WoW addiction made me burn through most of my savings. When I finally emerged in March, I had gained probably 20 lbs and I was in a tough money situation. I believe I'm still suffering from this now as I have extra stress that wouldn't be here if I had played poker without breaks.
April is when I started playing again. April was a great month. I had run really well and I thought I was on the verge of making a good, or at least decent run. June turned out to be horrible and I believe I ended up a net loser for the month. That was really discouraging so I decided to try to focus my efforts on online play. I thought online play would be better as I could avoid the daily commute, and Steve, a poker friend I knew at Harrah's, had recommended it as a way to build a bankroll safely.
From July to August, I grined my way up through 3-4 tables of $2-4 & $3-6 limit Hold 'em. I had built a good roll and I had gone on a like a seven session winning streak. I had told Beata about my progress and she was unimpressed and wouldn't even look at my results. At the same time, I had computed my hourly rate and felt that I could do better. Sidesgames and other friends had told me not to move up, but I wanted to prove things to Beata and myself so I foolishly moved up to 2-3 games of $20-40.
In my initial tries, I had gotten really stressed out by the fact that I was going + or - $2000 in my sessions. I was worried that my win rate wouldn't be high enough, especially since I coudln't play as well under this much stress, but I wanted to perservere. I hovered around the same money total for several sessions, and then one day I won a good amount that put my money at it's highpoint for the year. I still feared that I was only a bad session way from destroying myself psychologically but I didn't listen to myself or others.
Around middle September, I hit a decent run that ruined me. I still had enough money to play the lower stakes I had rebuilt on by a far more devestating thing happened that I had not anticipated. I knew moving up limits with this low of a bankroll was foolish and I found that I destroyed my confidence. I didn't play for weeks and I couldn't get over my foolishness. Sidegames, who knows these feelings well from his experiences at trading, tried to get me to play again, but at low limits, but I wouldn't listen. Finally, I tried playing again at $5-10 and I hit a bad streak and lost two days in a row. Now, I was really a mess and I haven't played since. I'm sure I can win, but I'm afraid that if I lose a few hands ,I'm going to go on tilt and just give away my money.
Initially, I tried to ease the pain by eating, but I now know that was the wrong this to do as it just made me feel worse. During that time, I also tried to escape by watching DVD's nonstop. In fact, I've gotten through 4 season of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. What I haven't mentioned until now is that Beata finally decided to end things at this time too. In fact, this past week she said she's been dating a Polish guy she met and she thinks they are getting along pretty well.
