Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Reframe: Not Getting pissed:
Kid kicks me awake on my NRT-LAX Flight:
I couldn't get much sleep on my NRT-LAX flight because a 3-4 year old kid was sitting next to me. Several times I dozed off only to be awoken by the kid kicking me in the leg or by the kid being unable to sit still. To be fair, there were several times when he was sleeping and he was behaved most of the time. He just happened to be restless at the time when I was finally falling asleep. I remember the third time he woke me. I got this pissed of look on my face and I could feel the anger starting to stir inside of me. I wanted to say something. I considered talking to the kid, but I knew that wouldn't do any good. Then I thought about asking the mother to do something about this problem. Before I could get pissed, I was able to reframe my thinking.
First, I told myself that I had to remember what Raaf said and I had to purge the negative thoughts from my head. I then reminded myself that I was a kid too and there were times when I was restless and annoying. This kid was only 4 years old, and he really did behave most of the time, at least as much as a young child can on an airplane. It's not like he was running down the aisles, throwing stuff, or being loud. He just was restless when I happened to be falling sleep. I then decided that if I couldn't sleep, it was fine. I could read, or watch a DVD. (I ended up watching the rest of Lord of War.) Besides, I didn't want to get too much sleep because I wanted to be tired enough to go to bed around 2-3 am here. After I thought of all the ways I could reframe my thinking, I honestly did feel better and the anger dissipated.
Discussion:
Raaf's technique has been working well for me. I find that I don't get pissed over stupid stuff anymore. Even when stuff bothers me, I find that so far, I've been able to talk myself out of being mad. I do my best to view the setback or problem as an opportunity. Even if I can't frame it as a genuine opportunity, I can at least convince myself that it's an extremely minor problem when viewed against all the stuff that happens in my lifetime. I'll even use what Seamas dismissed as the "Jonah mentality." I don't remember the specific example Seamas and I had discussed, but I remember saying that I could reframe that setback as "the world testing me." Instead of breaking, I would grow stronger by enduring this setback so I could handle even better setbacks in the future. I remember saying that the attitude is similar for bad streaks in poker. Pros should welcome bad streaks not only b/c it helps you to improve your game, or it's good for a pro to lose b/c the streaks are what keeps the fishes hooked, but also b/c you'll learn to handle the bigger and longer streaks in the future.
I think Seamas is right that certain things really can't be view as legitimate opportunities. I argue that you still can't let yourself get pissed. That's not productive. Instead, you have to use the "Jonah mentality." I told Seamas that he dismissed it too quickly because it reminded him of that Jonah story where Jonah deals with all the hardship stoically b/c they are tests from God. I sometimes reframe setbacks by telling myself that it's good this bad stuff is happening to me. I'm being given an opportunity to test how strongly I can hold my frame. This is preparing me for worse things that'll happen in the future, and even if I do break my frame, I'll learn how to hold my frame stronger in the future too. Notice that I'm not viewing the hardships as tests from God. I really believe that they are random events, but I believe that you have to force yourself to get stronger from them. It's surely better than getting pissed, frustrated or depressed about something. I've gone down that path again and it leads to nowhere except more misery.
Even if you can't use the Jonah reframe, I still think you can view the setbacks in contrast with other traumatic events in your life, or other possible worse things that could happen to you. If something minor is bothering you, it should be obvious that worse things have happened and will happen to you, so you shouldn't sweat a minor thing. Even if the event is extremely traumatic, there probably are worse things than you survived. If the event is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, you could try to reframe it by looking at even worse things that could have happened to you. Let's use the example of your house burning down. If it's only property damage, you can at least be happy that no one got hurt. If people got hurt, be happy that they didn't die or that you're still alive. As I said in my Amsterdam report, you can even compare traumatic events to horrible things world events. I do realize that really traumatic events are impossible to reframe as easily as I make it sound in these examples. It might take years to recover from a true tragedy. With that in mind, you should find it much easier to reframe minor annoyances and setbacks that happen in life.
Things could be worse and it's more productive to view a setback an opportunity than to lead yourself to more misery.
Kid kicks me awake on my NRT-LAX Flight:
I couldn't get much sleep on my NRT-LAX flight because a 3-4 year old kid was sitting next to me. Several times I dozed off only to be awoken by the kid kicking me in the leg or by the kid being unable to sit still. To be fair, there were several times when he was sleeping and he was behaved most of the time. He just happened to be restless at the time when I was finally falling asleep. I remember the third time he woke me. I got this pissed of look on my face and I could feel the anger starting to stir inside of me. I wanted to say something. I considered talking to the kid, but I knew that wouldn't do any good. Then I thought about asking the mother to do something about this problem. Before I could get pissed, I was able to reframe my thinking.
First, I told myself that I had to remember what Raaf said and I had to purge the negative thoughts from my head. I then reminded myself that I was a kid too and there were times when I was restless and annoying. This kid was only 4 years old, and he really did behave most of the time, at least as much as a young child can on an airplane. It's not like he was running down the aisles, throwing stuff, or being loud. He just was restless when I happened to be falling sleep. I then decided that if I couldn't sleep, it was fine. I could read, or watch a DVD. (I ended up watching the rest of Lord of War.) Besides, I didn't want to get too much sleep because I wanted to be tired enough to go to bed around 2-3 am here. After I thought of all the ways I could reframe my thinking, I honestly did feel better and the anger dissipated.
Discussion:
Raaf's technique has been working well for me. I find that I don't get pissed over stupid stuff anymore. Even when stuff bothers me, I find that so far, I've been able to talk myself out of being mad. I do my best to view the setback or problem as an opportunity. Even if I can't frame it as a genuine opportunity, I can at least convince myself that it's an extremely minor problem when viewed against all the stuff that happens in my lifetime. I'll even use what Seamas dismissed as the "Jonah mentality." I don't remember the specific example Seamas and I had discussed, but I remember saying that I could reframe that setback as "the world testing me." Instead of breaking, I would grow stronger by enduring this setback so I could handle even better setbacks in the future. I remember saying that the attitude is similar for bad streaks in poker. Pros should welcome bad streaks not only b/c it helps you to improve your game, or it's good for a pro to lose b/c the streaks are what keeps the fishes hooked, but also b/c you'll learn to handle the bigger and longer streaks in the future.
I think Seamas is right that certain things really can't be view as legitimate opportunities. I argue that you still can't let yourself get pissed. That's not productive. Instead, you have to use the "Jonah mentality." I told Seamas that he dismissed it too quickly because it reminded him of that Jonah story where Jonah deals with all the hardship stoically b/c they are tests from God. I sometimes reframe setbacks by telling myself that it's good this bad stuff is happening to me. I'm being given an opportunity to test how strongly I can hold my frame. This is preparing me for worse things that'll happen in the future, and even if I do break my frame, I'll learn how to hold my frame stronger in the future too. Notice that I'm not viewing the hardships as tests from God. I really believe that they are random events, but I believe that you have to force yourself to get stronger from them. It's surely better than getting pissed, frustrated or depressed about something. I've gone down that path again and it leads to nowhere except more misery.
Even if you can't use the Jonah reframe, I still think you can view the setbacks in contrast with other traumatic events in your life, or other possible worse things that could happen to you. If something minor is bothering you, it should be obvious that worse things have happened and will happen to you, so you shouldn't sweat a minor thing. Even if the event is extremely traumatic, there probably are worse things than you survived. If the event is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, you could try to reframe it by looking at even worse things that could have happened to you. Let's use the example of your house burning down. If it's only property damage, you can at least be happy that no one got hurt. If people got hurt, be happy that they didn't die or that you're still alive. As I said in my Amsterdam report, you can even compare traumatic events to horrible things world events. I do realize that really traumatic events are impossible to reframe as easily as I make it sound in these examples. It might take years to recover from a true tragedy. With that in mind, you should find it much easier to reframe minor annoyances and setbacks that happen in life.
Things could be worse and it's more productive to view a setback an opportunity than to lead yourself to more misery.
