Sunday, January 07, 2007
The dream:
I had two strange dreams last night: both involved being chased. The more interesting one involved me in a theme park atmosphere. Somehow I missed the last tram out and I got stuck in this nightmare world. It a post apocalyptic world, not in terms of scenery but in that there was little order and every person had to fight for themselves. The station looked like a beat up train station, but the people inside, including me, were minature as chairs and other objects were gigantic. Certain people also had some super powers as we could jump large distances and some could fire energy bolts out of there hands.
At some point in the dream, my constant effort to evade danger is interrupted by a computer announcement. Four people, and I am one of them, are given some sort of substance to sell so that we can be offered a way out of this hell. I had befriended a female guard or soldier who helped me unload about half of the stuff. We're interrupted by attackers. She has to flee as she can't be seen involved with me, but she tells me that I just have to believe in the skills I have. I fight off this human attacker easily and I run. I run into someone that is guard like in powers. He can jump farther than humans. I see the right away. He fire some beach ball like projectile which I manage to repel. Then, he leaps and fires an energy bolt at me. I get really scared at this point as I'm afraid this is too much for me, but I concentrate on absorbing the bolt. Then, I wake up.
The Analysis: Believe in yourself:
The dream resembled the Matrix. You have super human bad guys and a hero that has special powers but lacks confidence. The dream also resembles my life. I don't have superpowers, but deep down, I believe I have certain skills that should allow me to enjoy at least some success in the fields that are currently important to me: work and sarging. I remember thinking as I woke up from the dream today that it is a shame when someone is given skills to succeed yet he avoids using them and instead lives in mediocrity because of fear and self doubt. This happens to many people in this world and I'm doing this now. I talk about this theme constantly in this blog, and I think the only thing I'm lacking is confidence. I've always had low self esteem and this problem has been the cause of my downfall.
I think back on my sarging experience before the break. Some of the stuff I did would seem like superpowers to the outside observer. Instead of viewing what I had accomplished, I always compared myself to the real PUA's. Now my skills were substantially inferior to theirs, but even when I hung out with some Community guys, they complimented my drive. In July, I really was opening sets like crazy. I'd get busted out and I keep on opening another set. It was like a lucid dream. I'd get shot down, and it was like the shots didn't effect me. Now, the source of this skill was that same doubt that paralyses me sometime. I know that I'm inadequate, and when I don't paralyze myself with that feeling, I instead fight to better myself.
At this point, I need to forget about what I'm lacking and just focus on what I have. When I read some of my previous blog entries, even I can't believe I was able to accomplish what I did. The same me that used to stand around with poor body language, nursing an drink, and completely uncomfortable talking to strangers was the same guy that open sets like a machine (to use one PUA's compliment to me). I was opening HB's and out of the corner of my eye, I'd see some AFC's looking at me in disbelief. I knew the look well. I used to give it to guys and I'd be wondering how they could possibly just go up to a hot girl and talk to her. More than that, since my skills were good, I was staying in set and the HB's, for a time, would look like they were really enjoying my company. I was the social butterfly, and the AFC's probably thought I was some PUA god.
I still see that some of those skills are still inside me. On Saturday, I went to the gym. This cute blond was there; she works every Saturday morning. I made some small talk with her when I walked in. As I worked out, I saw her walk by: now this didn't mean anything as part of her job is to clean the cardio marchines after someone uses them, but it did give me a chance to check her out. Now, she's like an HB7.5, but she's my favorite type. She's a cute blond with shoulder length hair and a thin body. I tell myself that I should just run some game on her for practice. I won't run serious game, but maybe I'll warm up some of my PUA skills so I'll be read to go do some real sarging in the near future. Besides, I'm betting that she has NEVER seen a glimpse or real PUA skills. Most girls haven't unless they are HB9's. Sure, they've gotten approached. Girls always get approached, but they only had AFC's come up with lame lines. They've had AFC's ask to buy them drinks or tell them that they are beautiful. They've never had a PUA come up and pull them into another world.
Again, I think about some of my past sarges. Near the end, I was getting to the kiss close point in like 10-20 minutes of conversation. Compared to the AFC, that's simply amazing. The AFC might not make a move on the first date (and that probably would be a real AFC date where he took her to dinner and then a movie). That's about 3-4 hours of time together. When I'm out sometimes, I'll see these guys on dates and their mistakes will be obvious. They are not close enough to their date, they aren't initiating any kino, and they are talking about lame shit like work. They aren't asking open ended questions and they most definitely are not stimulating their date's emotions. Now, I had my own mistakes, but I know that about 3-4 hours of time with a woman, I'll make a kiss close, and likely would be successful.
Analyzing my game:
I write this section as I'm trying to think about the aspects of my game that made it good. I try to portray myself as an adventurous guy. The stories I tell show that I'm a well traveled guy with a big imagination. After talking to countless women at the bars, I know that most of them live very dull lives. When my game is good, they see the contrast and are drawn to the adventure that I offer them. I also do patterning well. Now, I never memorized the Ross Jeffries stories. My tent opener started things off by getting my targets thinking about relationship type questions. When I'd give my thoughts on it, they'd see that I think about feeling "connections" and I think my descriptions helps them feel those very feelings. When you describe attraction or connections well, the person you're talking to is forced to remember the times when they have felt like that. When you draw up enough of those emotions, they begin to associate you with those feelings and you're in.
So basically, I just have to do these things, but to practice, I need to get out there. I think I'm going to watch the NFL playoff games today and then go hit the bookstore and Starbucks this evening for some quick practice.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
UFO sighted at O'hare in Nov:
The following contains no PUA related stuff.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-0701010141jan01,1,3957154.column?coll=chi-news-hed
I don't know how long that link will be active before the Chicago Tribune requires you to register before reading it. The article says that several United employees including one or more pilots saw a UFO hovering near the C termianl on November 7, 2006.
I've been watching UFO files and it's just amazing how many sighting there are out there. Many sightings have multiple seemingly credible witnesses. I also remember there was a program on one of the 3 big networks (ABC I believe) a bout UFO sightings that seemed credible and unable to be explained as being caused by natural phenomena or man made objects. There was on in South Eastern IL and one of the witnesses was/is a police officer.
Now, I realize that most people out there laugh at the notion and think wacko's believe in this stuff. I would tell those people that they need to open their mind. I recommend renting "Hyperspace" from Netflix. It is a two disc DVD series that explains some of the scientific theories of the universe. It has some good graphics to show how big the galaxy, not to mention the universe is. I remember learning in college that our galaxy has a hundred billion stars. There are hundreds of billions of galaxies in the universe. Think about how much we've advanced in say the last 50 years, in terms of technology, and just imagine how much one could advance if say they have a few million or billion year head start on us.
Another interesting quote I remember from the show was that a good way to picture how many stars there are in the universe is to imagine that each star is a grain of sand. The amount of stars in the universe would be enough sand grains to fill every beach in the world. On top of that, planets have been shown to exist around many other stars. I remember that in '96, that was a huge discovery as previously no one had ever proved other planets existed outside our solar system. I remember that scientists originally proved the existence of planets by observing the pull of these planets on the gravity of the stars that they orbit, but I believe the the Hubble Telescope has photographed some distant planets (I'm not 100% sure on the latter, so I'll have to google that sometime.)
I would say that only human ignorance, human arrogance, or religious indoctrination leads many to believe that earth is the only place in the universe where life exists. Heck, just a few weeks ago, I remember reading that there is new proof that water has existed on Mars, meaning that it's more possible that primitive life has or is as close as our nearest neighbor planet.
Later, I'll write upon some thoughts I have about what the possible or probably existence of extraterrestrial life means for us. Thinking about the possiblity makes me think about how far we have to go as a species. Of course, I mean that we are obviously far behind in technology is alien races have some way of traveling through the vastness of space. (BTW, even if light speed truly can't be broken, wormholes or warping space as supposed to be theoretically possible, so don't just dismiss the possibility outright.) I'm thinking more in terms of how primitive our species is in our social structures. I think about how we're motivated by greed, how we murder each other. How much of a better would Earth be if we focused our energy on working together. We could build better technology and solve some of the problems that face us.
I also wonder why the aliens wouldn't help us outright. Maybe they have some sort of prime directive similar to that we find in the Star Trek Universe. Maybe the aliens are curious about us but find us still too primitive to develop and outright relationship with. Maybe they are fascinated in observing a primitive society that many offers them a glimpse into their own distant past. I think what I wrote into the previous paragraph also fits here. Imagine what we'd do to each other if we had alien technology. If you gave a greedy human advanced weapons, what would be more likely to happen? Would that person work to reverse engineer the technology so we could develop useful, nondestructive technology, or would they use it to dominate the world and eliminate enemies. I bet more would do the later.
Monday, January 01, 2007
| New Years Eve Party Field Report |
| Now I've done some housekeeping and it's time to get to my report. I would have been embarrassed to post this report because this was a failure due to my own inaction. I have to restart somewhere so I feel like I can learn from tonight's experience. I went to a friend's New Years party. As with most parties I've attended lately, there wore guys than girls. When I got there, there were only four girls, and my friend told me that they were all taken. Jason showed up about twenty minutes later and I decided to just chill with him. He's always a blast and even though we hung out the previous night for the Ortiz-Liddell fight, we still had much to discuss. Much to my surprised three girls rolled in with a probably AFC boyfriend in tow. One caught my eye immediately. She was this tall, pale girl. Later, I heard her claim to be a redhead, or strawberry blonde, but I really thought it was more of a dirty blonde color. Anyway, tall girls always do it for me, and she was the best looking target at the party. Now, I kept planning my moves for the next hour. I figured I wouldn't do anything b/c I didn't have full confidence to jump into the mixed 4 set when I haven't sarged in like four months. That would have been the best move. You take over the set, win over the dude, win over the other girls, and then the target will be so glad you want to isolate her and talk to her. Well, I ended up opening her when she walked by on her way to get some snacks. This Polish friend of my ex was there. I was talking to Jason, her and her fiance. She had asked me if I wanted to join a vollyball team. When I saw this girl walk by, I decided to use my vollyball girl line that I had used a few times in the past. I've used it twice. I teased this tall blonde at Starbucks over the summer. She actually did play vollyball and I got a small and some small talk with her while ordering my drink. (I never got to follow through on that as I stopped sarging not long after that). I also used the, "Hey, do you play vollyball" to this tall girl at Barleycorn during a PUA meetup with Dahunter back in July . I wrote about how this HB9 flipped me off and the community guys that I had "stones" for using such a line. I asked my target, "Hey, do you play vollyball? My friend her is starting a team." She replied, "No. Just because I'm tall doesn't mean I play vollyball or basketball." Thinking back on this, I think she thought I was busting on her, and she probably was self conscious about it. Jason made a few comments that I don't recall, and then she busted on Jason for being short. It's funny that I'm even shorter than Jason. She ended up walking away. In a few minutes, one of her friends walk by. I told her that her friend had insulted my friend. I then related the story, and I said, "I guess I understand her. She probably is self-conscious about her height. In grade school, they probably cracked jokes, but I was serious about the vollyball team." The friend confirmed my read and also told me that she'd known my target since grade school. Later, I decide to try to join the Charades game going in the other room. First, I work the party. There's my group in the kitchen. Another group is playing some card game in the dining room. I BS with someone there. Then I observe the charades game for like 30 seconds, and then I go check out the poker game downstairs. They were just messing around and I didn't want to play anyway. I hung with them and then came back up. I then joined the game. My problem was my target was on the other side of the room and sitting among her friends. Jason joins that game and I end up performing once. She banters with Jason again. I'm sitting on the floor next to another couch and Jason is sitting behind the couch. The girl ends up sitting in the couch next to us. I bust on her a bit since she's close. At some point, the girl walks by and smacks me in the head. It wasn't hard, it was more of a playful hit. Now, the problem is that every one saw this shit so I had so show that I wasn't going to be some chump. I commented to the room that she's lucky she's a woman. When she comes back, I should smack her, but I'll cut her some slack since she's a girl. When she sits down again, I use the old PUA line, "I can tell you and I are not going to get along, I won't take your shit and you won't take mine." She tells me that she didn't mean anything with the hit, she says she just plays around with guys like that. I tell her that she can be my new little sister. She says that I have to be her little brother. I tell her, "No, that would work. You're my little sister." Here, she says, "Do you know how old I am?" Now here is where I make a mistake. It's not a big one, but I recognize now that I could have begun to win her over. The perfect line, I think, would have been to say, "Well, you still look young. Anyway, I think age is more of a state of mind that a number. I know 40 year old guys that still have the heart of a 20 year old, and I know twenty-something that act like their older. I mean they act like they've lost that zest of life that you often see in youg people. " I could even have continued by saying, "Now, I don't see that in you. However old you or I are, I can tell we both still have that energy... that passion for life." Instead, I didn't realize that we had gotten past the ball busting stage and were ready for rapport. Instead, I made the mistake I've oftne made: I broke rapport with a cocky-funny routine. To, "Do you know how old I am?" I responded, "No, do you know how old I am?" She said, "No" and I used the line (I believe Mystery's line), "I'm a baby. I crawled out of my crib, stole my brother's ID, and snuck in the back door." She smirked, but I know now that I shouldn't have backtracked the sarge. Later, some AFC gets up and she has the couch to herself. It's a loveseat, and she streches her legs out over the other space. I could have just made her move over so I could sit, but I wanted to make it less obvious. I took a piss, and then came back. Here, I lacked some stones too. I sat on the enge of the couch and told her, "Hey sis, I'm sitting her, but I need some personal space." Now, Jason rolls in and just sits down on the couch when my target gets up to perform for charades. She sits down next to him. I thought he was going to make moves, but he talks to her and doesn't. Later, he told me he wasn't feeling it from her. My analysis is that either one of us could have sarged her. She was looking, but both of us idiots didn't follow through. She ends up sitting next to me a few minutes later. I can tell we're ready to be in the rapport stage as I felt her out with a question. I said, "What's up with you anyway? I bet you have brothers and that's why you put out this hard shell." She said that she has a younger brother. Rather that continuing, I decide to practice "state control" (TD's defintion meaning I decided to protect myself from feeling bad by possible rejection) and I didn't continue with my line of questioning. I was WEAK: I had played the game well up to this point. I could have won her over earlier if I had used the lines I posted above, but I definately could have continued to the rapport stage with her. With decent game, I bet I could have created a connection, and I'd probably have her number. I think she made either a conscious or unconscious decision to sit near Jason and I and I think she would have been receptive to either of us. Jason was still in the busting stage. I was at the point where all the BS testing was over, and I just had to build a connection. Easy as this isn't a club environment. Instead, I practiced state control by playing the charade game until she had to leave. It's okay. I feel bad about my failure, but I've made this mistake many times before. I've failed to close and I even rejected a bookstore girl in July who gave me a second opportunity to number close her as we were leaving the backstore. It happens. Burning: I talked about this in my previous entry. I feel motivated and I feel a need to get back in The Game. Geniune PUAs have seen potential in me and it's time to believe in it and harness it. I know that if I'm out sarging regularly, I'll feel even more confidence and I won't fail to follow through. The party was playing on "easy" level. Being out of practice, I still showed some good moves and if I had been sarging a few times the last two weeks, I probably would have closed this girl instead of practicing "state control." So, I feel determination from this personal failure ,but I also got a hint of that rush that I get from sarging. Since I've spent so much time lately alone and in front of my computer, I definately feel that I need to go out and be social. We're social creatures, after all. I feel great when I sarge because I know that I'm practicing a skill set that I never thought I have. Sure, I used to beat myself up for not having advanced more, but when contrasted with the average person, I really see how much I've improved. I'll tell you that i felt ZERO fear or anxiety when talking to guys at the party. I should to be shy when talking to strangers and that still gone. I didn't feel as nervous talking to women, though I feel some fear when I first was going to open my target. I just fear that I'm going to go to the bar and sit in the corner alone playing Golden Tee. Maybe that'll happen, but I think when I go out again at some point this week, I'll force myself to open sets. I'll start with the simple goal of just running openers on sets. If I feel up to it, I'll run some routines until I get busted out, but I'll be happy to just open and eject the first night. I'll update my journey as usual and I think my entries will be more frequent that they have been lately. I don't think I can sarge 4 times a week like I was last summer, but I can fit a full work week, exercise, and sarging at least two nights a week. |
| New Years Resolution: PUA Journey |
| Why I don't believe in New Years Resolutions: Let me preface this entry by saying that I actually don't believe in New Years Resolutions. As I thought about it more, I decided that I could actually make a decent routine out of the following. I think I started disliking resolutions because I hear the sames ones every year. Tons of people say they are quicking smoking or losing weight. The gym is empty in December, and then it fill up with all the people that plan to lose weight. By February or March, almost all of these newcomers are gone, and only the regulars remain. Setting New Years as a date to change your life isn't how you stick to a resolution. You have to fight the battle everyday. For example, I've been focused on exercising and losing weight and every day, I have to figure out what I'm eating, and force myself to follow my workout plan. The reason I'm succeeding is that I'm forcing myself to make baby steps every day. Every day you have to wake up and tell yourself that you're going to move in the right direction once again today. You're not going to do it tomorrow. You're not going to worry if you messed things up in the distant past, or even just yesterday. If you make the right choices more often than you make the wrong choices, then you'll slowly move towards your goal and one day you'll wake up and you'll have the results you want. You'll be healthier, you'll be fit, you'll run a successful business, or you'll be a PUA. Why am I making a New Years Resolution?: Well, it's a only New Years Resolution because I happned to go to a New Years Eve party. If I had gone out to the bars a few days ago, or a week ago, I think I would have been have resolved to get back on the path to PUAdom. So, I'll say with confidence that I'm back. These past few months have forced me to find myself. I've faced adversity and I've moved in the right direction in other areas in my life. Pickup is one area that I've strongly neglected, but as I've hinted in the past few blogs, I feel like my confidence has increased. I look better (updated pics will be posted soon). I feel confident in myself since I've faced some inner demons and I look forward to seeing what lies ahead. There will be a lot of failure ahead, but those are just stepping stones on the way to success. Every one fails. You only succeed by picking yourself back up every time and continuing on the right journey. True failure is when you just give up. It's also when you reach stagnations and don't move ahead. |
| Stupid $75 viaduct parking ticket |
| I went to a New Years Party tonight and got surprised with a $75 ticket. Apparently, I'm not the only one unawre of the ordinance prohibiting parking in this area as both sides of the street were filled with illegally parked cars. No signs were posted as I guess we're supposed to know it's illegal. $75 is brutal. I guess this law is designed for areas different that where I parked as there was no traffic there and to me, it seems like violating street cleaning is more of a nuisance, and that costs $50. This is as much as a moving violation. Brutal. |
Saturday, December 16, 2006
| Baby steps |
| When I went to the gym yesterday, I decided to try some playful banter with the girl working there. It wasn't much, but I feel like I've moving in the right direction. I didn't feel nervous while talking and I actually maintained good eye contact and spoke slowly and calmly during our brief conversation. I really feel that once I get back into this, which I'm planning on doing within the next three weeks, I'll be much better than I was. My inner game is lot better than it was especially since I've lost fat and feel like i look better. I think I'll have more confidence in the field and that was what was holding me back. Dahunter, a genuine PUA, told me I had potential, but part of me never believed it. That was dumb as he really gave me good feedback. When I first met him and dressed like a chump, he told me honestly that I needed to change that. When I practiced poor game, he told me so, and likewise he told me when I had good game. When I return full bore into The Game, I think I'll have less of this poor internal conflict going on. I'll actually believe that I have value and am brining value to my sets so I won't be looking for ways to eject or not escalate. |
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
One of my good friends is aware of my current struggles. He was doing some work at this insurance agency and he decided to see if they had any entry level positions open. They do indeed, and he told me about this offer. If I took the job, I'd be doing crappy clerical stuff, but supposedly there is opportunity for advancement. I seriously contemplated taking the offer, but in the end I've decided against it. While I driving home from the gym the other day, an old White Snake song came on the radio and I felt like it fit in well as a theme song for my life and choices at this point. The song was "Here I go Again on My Own."
My friend and my mother can't understand why I won't take this job. As tempting as it might be, I think I can't give up on this. I can think of several reasons. The first thought that came to mind is that I didn't want to become a "working stiff." That's a term that my friend Jake uses to describe working a real job. That thought is common among people in our profession or among self-employed people in general. Self-employed people often end up putting in more work and hours than they ever would in a regular job, but they find pride in their own work that they don't in working a regular job. I think in the short term, I'd probably make more by taking my friend's job offer, but I still believe and have past evidence to show that I can make a decent living doing what I'm doing. Besides, if I wanted a real job, then I should have just entered the work force years ago and I'd probably be making good money now.
I told my friend that money isn't everything. In my younger days, I always thought people who said that were full of shit, but I've gotten wiser over the years. I can see an alternate version of myself. If I had gone the regular job route, I'd probably be completely comfortable with my finances, but I don't think I'd necessarily be happy. Too many people get caught up in making money that they forget that life is about being happy and doing what makes you happy. For a few fortunate few, they find fulfillment in something they do and earn a boatload of money (take a NFL quarterback or a CEO, for example). My friend in question is comfortable with his fianances now, but I doubt he can say that he's living a dream or that his work is truly what he'd want to do with his life.
If I take that job offer, I know that I'll always be wondering if I could have made it on my own. I'm sure that thought would either always bother me, or I'd end up leaving the job so I could pursue my dream. When things go badly, I wonder if this really is a dream. It sure can be extremely frustrating and depressing at times, but it can be equally wonderful at the other extreme. If I can make this happen, then I think I would be living a dream. I get to play games for a living and support myself. I get to set my own schedule and find time for working out and sarging.
I've thought about the money situation. Perhaps, with effort, I can make more at this than I could at a real job, but I think I'd be happy making mediocre wages just so I could live this lifestyle. I just want to make enough money to survive and save a little. That's all.
Drive and Effort:
The disbelievers would like to tell me that I don't exactly have a perfect track record. I'll admit to making poor life decisions, such as not working for weeks on end and putting myself in bad situations as a result. They want me to give up and become a working stiff. In the past few weeks, I've isolated myself and indulged that "woe is me" attitude. My blogs have shown some signs of optimism, but those were just brief spikes in my mostly depressed state. I do feel like things are turning around because I now have just about everything moving in the right direction. I just need to open some sets and sarging can be on track too. :)
I've forced myself to believe in myself. I've had to remember that nothing worthwhile comes easy. If it were easy to play for a living, sarge, and be physically fit, everyone would do it. If such things were easy, then there would be no value in achieving them. Also, I'll repeat the quote I've heard (don't know the source), that those who succeed just never gave up. Life is going to beat you down and throw you setbacks. You have to stand back up and use those setbacks as opportunity to improve yourself. This is standard inner game stuff, but for the first time in months I'm starting to believe it.
Take losing my phone. That was a pain in the ass, but I know now it was good that I lost it. I got a better phone with internet access. I was paying separately for my laptop access, and now I have it on my phone. I now save money because I cancelled my DSL. My T-mobile SDA lets me hook up either computer to the internet and the speed is about as fast as my DSL was when I first got it. I've saving money on DSL, then, and I'm going to cancel my home phone this month. Well, I'm going to port the number and add it to my Family Plan for $9.99+tax, which is better than paying $20+ for the stupid land line that has no voice mail or caller ID.
The past few months have made me stronger in many ways. I believe if I can just keep things moving in the right direction, in six months I'll again feel like I'm really living my dreams.
